Written by the CICC Clinical Team
Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction to others and has become more visible and understood in recent years. But for those who identify as asexual, or those who are exploring their sexual identity, a common question that often surfaces is, “Should I accept my asexuality or work to change it?” This is a question that involves both personal introspection and societal influences, and the answer is not always straightforward. In this article, we will look at what makes a person asexual, dispel common myths such as whether asexuality falls under the category of a disorder, and discuss how people can make informed decisions about self-acceptance and self-improvement.
Table of Contents
Asexuality: What Does It Mean To Be Asexual?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which people do not experience sexual attraction to others. People ask what makes someone asexual . Studies indicate that sexual orientation , including asexuality , is probably determined by a complex combination of biological , psychological , and environmental factors . Like with heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality, there is no one reason why someone is asexual. It is not the result of trauma, illness or lack of opportunity for romantic engagement.
Why some people are asexual is not a scientific consensus. Asexuality is understood to be a valid sexual orientation, not something that needs to be “fixed.” Some people are born asexual, while others may discover they are asexual later in life. Some people do not experience sexual attraction at all and this does not change over the course of their life . Some people may experience changes in attitude and identify somewhere on the spectrum such as graysexual or demisexual .
For a detailed comparison, see: Asexuality vs Low Libido: Understanding the Difference
Is Asexuality a Disorder?
A common, misplaced question that arises in discussions of sexual orientations outside of the heterosexual norm is whether they are considered disorders. “Being asexual is not a disorder, just like any other sexual orientation. It is a normal variation of human sexuality and is accepted as a legitimate sexual orientation.
While asexual persons are characterized as having a non pathologic sexual orientation, they may experience individual and relational distress related to this orientation.
Asexuality may be misunderstood as a medical or psychological condition that reduces sexual desire or function, such as hormonal imbalance or sexual dysfunction. But asexuality is not the product of any physical or mental illness. It’s important to differentiate between asexuality, a persistent orientation, and conditions such as low libido or sexual aversion, which may be caused by stress, trauma or medical causes. Medicalizing asexuality can be emotionally damaging and may create the impression that asexuals are broken or need fixing in some way.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) makes it clear that asexuality is not a medical issue, specifically distinguishing it from sexual dysfunction. So asexual individuals should not feel pressured to “work on” changing their orientation because it is just a part of who they are.
The Path to Self-Acceptance: Embracing Asexuality
For many asexuals, self-acceptance is an empowering, freeing process. This is about recognizing that asexuality is a legitimate identity and that one does not need to experience sexual attraction to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. By embracing asexuality, people can define what love, intimacy and connection means on their own terms, free from the pressure of society.
Redefining Relationships and Intimacy
Redefining the nature of relationships and intimacy is one of the key elements of accepting asexuality. Many people in society put a lot of importance on sexual attraction being a major factor in a romantic relationship . Asexual individuals can have fulfilling romantic or emotional relationships without the sexual aspect . These relationships can be built on emotional intimacy, companionship, and deep connection.
Those who experience romantic attraction but not sexual desire (sometimes called romantic asexuals) can also find relationships based on shared values, emotional closeness, and mutual respect to be just as fulfilling as sexual relationships. Even for aromantic asexual individuals, those who do not experience romantic attraction, strong platonic relationships and community bonds can provide deep meaning and connection.
The Psychological Benefits of Acceptance
Psychologically, coming to terms with one’s asexuality can be a source of tremendous relief and emotional stability. Many who struggle with their asexuality experience stress, anxiety, or self-doubt due to societal pressure to conform to sexual expectations. When people embrace their ace identity, they release those burdens and can focus on living authentically. This sense of acceptance of oneself promotes better mental health, increases self-esteem and improves general well-being.
Thinking Through Change: Is Asexuality Something to “Work On”?
There are benefits to self-acceptance, but some may find themselves conflicted about their asexuality. They might wonder if they should try to “work on” their lack of sexual attraction so they can fit in with society or make a romantic partner happy. This desire to change may stem from internal or external pressures to live up to normative notions of relationships and sexuality.
But it’s also important to remember that asexuality is not a “problem” that needs to be fixed. But just like a heterosexual person can not ” work on ” becoming homosexual ( or vice versa ) , an asexual person can not just will themselves to be sexually attracted . Attempts to alter one’s sexual orientation can lead to emotional distress, frustration and feelings of inadequacy.
Is Exploration Helpful?
That said, some asexual people may want to explore their feelings further. For example, people who identify as gray-sexual or demi-sexual may find that they do experience sexual attraction in some situations or with a close emotional connection. In such circumstances, the search for relationships and intimacy may provide opportunities for personal development and self-awareness.
This form of exploration is not an attempt to change one’s orientation, but rather to deepen one’s understanding of their unique experiences. For others it might be therapy, especially if they feel conflicted about their sexual orientation. However, it’s necessary to find a sex-positive therapist who is familiar with asexuality so that negative stereotypes are not reinforced and people are not pushed to change.
Building Relationships as an Asexual
One of the biggest concerns for anyone who identifies as asexual is how their orientation could affect their relationships. Some asexuals may choose to not have romantic relationships, but many want companionship and emotional intimacy. For those of you in relationships with non-asexual partners, communication is key.
The Need for Open Communication
Communication is everything when sexual appetites don’t match. Some asexual people may have sex to satisfy a partner’s needs even if they don’t feel sexually attracted. This is a personal choice to be made with mutual understanding and consent so that neither partner feels pressured.
Couples struggling with differing levels of sexual desire can find help through therapy or counseling, allowing them to work on reconciling their emotional and physical needs. The goal is to highlight the special connection between partners, rather than adhere to social norms of sexual expectations.
Acceptance or Exploration? Choosing the Right Path
Ultimately, whether an individual should embrace their asexuality or try to explore their feelings further is a deeply personal decision. There is no single answer, and each person must determine their own emotional, psychological and relational needs.
Acceptance: For many, embracing asexuality is an empowering choice. It leads to increased self-awareness, mental clarity and a life aligned with one’s true identity. Acceptance enables people to build authentic connections and embrace their true selves, without the pressure to conform to societal expectations.
Exploration: For some, exploring their feelings more deeply can be an important part of self-discovery. However, this exploration is about better understanding one’s identity, not changing it. If someone is confused as to whether their low libido is due to trauma, medical issues or mental health issues, therapy can help gain insight and clarity.
Learn more about couples therapy at CICC → Couples Therapy in Baltimore & Maryland
Conclusion: Respecting the Diversity of Human Sexuality
Ultimately, it is up to the individual to decide whether or not one should accept or “work on” their asexuality, and it depends on the individual’s circumstances. It is important to remember that asexuality is not considered a disorder and does not need to be changed. It’s a legitimate sexual orientation that deserves respect and understanding. Whether sexual attraction is in the picture or not, by opting for acceptance or mindful exploration, individuals can lead authentic lives and create fulfilling ones that respect their unique experiences.
If you are navigating questions about your sexual identity, a relationship affected by desire mismatch, or uncertainty about whether what you are experiencing is asexuality or something else, we are here to help — not to tell you who you should be, but to support you in understanding yourself more clearly.We offer a free 15-minute consultation. No commitment required. → Schedule now
