More Maryland couples than ever are talking about non-monogamy. For some the question comes from a genuine curiosity, and a desire to explore what their relationship could look like with different agreements. For others, it comes from a specific need or imbalance in the current relationship. For some couples, the issue is that one partner thinks the other is unsure, and the question of how to deal with that uncertainty is the presenting problem in itself.
Whatever leading a couple to this conversation, the clinical reality is the same: venturing into non-monogamy without sufficient communication skills, self-awareness, and relational groundwork tends to do more harm than the original structure it was meant to remedy. Sex therapy provides people with the tools to have this conversation, and to make whatever decisions come from it, from a place of clarity rather than avoidance or crisis.
The Center for Intimacy, Connection and Change approaches questions of relationship structure with an eye to the full range of moral, ethical and religious frames of reference with which Maryland couples approach their relationships. Therapy isn’t about promoting any one structure, but helping couples honestly explore their values and needs and build the skills that any relationship structure requires to work.
Table of Contents
What Does Non-Monogamy Mean?
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationship structures that include more than two people or that alter the exclusivity rules of a traditional monogamous partnership. The most commonly talked about kinds are:
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM)
It is an umbrella term for any type of relationship structure in which all partners are aware and consent to the arrangement. The word ethical is key: what distinguishes ethical non-monogamy from infidelity is honesty, transparency and agreed-upon boundaries between all people involved.
Open marriages
A main relationship where one or both partners are permitted to have sexual relations outside the relationship, usually with some agreed upon rules as to what is acceptable and what is not. Open relationships come in an amazing variety of forms, with their specific agreements, and the details of those agreements matter a great deal in how they work.
Polyamory
Polyamory The practice of engaging in more than one romantic or sexual relationship at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamory is about emotional connection, or instead of, or in addition to, purely sexual ones. It usually involves more complicated relational dynamics and a higher level of continuous communication and negotiation than open relationships.
Relationship anarchy and other systems
Other couples write relationship agreements that are completely unique and don’t fit neatly into any category that already exists. What’s more important than the label is the presence of honest communication, explicit consent and agreements that reflect the actual values of both partners rather than social pressure or avoiding a harder conversation.
Why Couples Go to Therapy Instead of Non-Monogamy
Couples enter into sex therapy around questions of non-monogamy for a variety of reasons, and determining which reason applies is the first clinical task.
One partner wants it, the other doesn’t
This is the most common presentation. One partner suggests “opening the relationship” or trying non-monogamy. The other partner is unsure, threatened or resistant. In therapy, there is a place to explore what each partner actually wants and is afraid of, what the proposal means to the person raising it and what it triggers in the person receiving it, without the conversation immediately becoming a crisis or an ultimatum.
Couples practicing non-monogamy and having problems
Some couples come to therapy having already opened up their relationship and discover that reality is more difficult than theory. Jealousy, boundary violations, communication breakdowns, and the emergence of unanticipated feelings are all common. Therapy can help determine which agreements aren’t working, what underlying needs aren’t being met, and whether the current structure is serving both partners.
Couples who want non-monogamy as a cure for some specific problem
The question of non-monogamy sometimes arises as a response to a specific problem: large discrepancies in desire, a sexual interest in the partner that the other can’t or doesn’t want to meet, or a desire for novelty that the current relational structure doesn’t allow for. Therapy can assist couples in exploring whether opening the relationship would indeed solve the underlying problem or simply transfer it to a new and more complicated set of relational dynamics.
Navigating Non-Monogamy and Its Impact on Your Partner
For those who have been approached by their partner about non-monogamy and need space to process their own feelings, values and limits before having a conversation as a couple, individual therapy is also a good option. You don’t need to have clarity about your own position for couples work, but it often makes that work more productive.
The clinical picture: why non-monogamy is difficult
Non-monogamy isn’t hard because it’s inherently wrong or inherently unworkable. It’s hard because it calls for a kind of honest communication, emotional self-awareness, and attachment security that most couples have not yet cultivated, and which mainstream relationship culture fails to provide.
Jealousy and Activation of Attachment
Jealousy is an attachment response.” When a partner is looking for connection outside of the relationship, the attachment system of the other partner kicks in in ways that can be intense and confusing, particularly for people who did not expect to feel what they are feeling. Therapy helps people understand jealousy as information about attachment needs, not as proof the arrangement is wrong, and to communicate those needs constructively.
Agreement drift and boundary creep
Agreements made at the beginning of an open or non-monogamous arrangement often need to be revised as the reality of the arrangement becomes clearer. Without explicit processes to revisit and renegotiate, boundaries slowly erode and resentment builds up. Therapy is not about rules to be used once, but about structure and skills for ongoing maintenance of agreements.
Asymmetrical investment and experience
For many couples exploring non-monogamy, one partner finds it easier, or develops outside connections more quickly, than the other. If not addressed directly, this asymmetry can create significant inequity and distress. The person with fewer external ties may feel left out; the person with more may feel guilty or restricted. Both are appropriate and belong in the therapeutic conversation.
Effect on the primary relationship
Non-monogamy doesn’t relieve a primary relationship of the work that all relationships require. Couples who think that opening up their relationship will solve their intimacy problems often find the opposite: unresolved issues in the primary relationship become more acute, not less, when external connections add emotional complexity. Therapy helps couples address the primary relationship directly, not circumstantially.
Sex Therapy Tools for Couples Considering Non-Monogamy
At the Center for Intimacy, Connection and Change, we work with couples who are exploring questions of non-monogamy using the following approaches.
Clarifying values
Therapy helps each partner articulate and identify their own values around commitment, exclusivity, jealousy, and what they need from a primary relationship before any structural decision is made. This is no small task. In this process, many people find that what they thought they wanted and what they actually value are not the same thing, and that clarity about values is the foundation any arrangement needs in order to function.
ACT for Dealing with Difficult Emotions
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is especially suited to the emotional terrain of non-monogamy exploration. ACT develops capacity to hold difficult feelings, jealousy, fear, uncertainty, without suppressing or being controlled by them. This psychological flexibility is one of the core skills for navigating any major shift in relationship structure.
EFT for Attachment Safety
Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on the attachment dynamics that non-monogamy activates. Mark Goldberg’s EFT certification ensures that couples work at CICC goes well beyond communication skills to getting at the underlying emotional bonds and fears that influence how both partners experience any change to the structure of the relationship. Secure attachment in the primary relationship is the best foundation for any agreements a couple makes on top of it.
Sex Therapy For the Sexual Dimension – Certified by AASECT
Questions about non-monogamy are inherently sexual questions and they deserve the clinical attention of a therapist with depth training in human sexuality. CICC provides AASECT certified sex therapy to explore desire, sexual agreements, how outside connections impact the primary sexual relationship, and the particular sexual issues that can arise from exploring non-monogamy in ways that general couples therapy often does not.
A Note on Values and Respect at CICC
Maryland is a religiously and culturally diverse state and the couples that come to CICC bring with them a wide range of moral, ethical and religious frameworks to their relationships. The practice does not advocate any particular relationship structure. All types of monogamy, non-monogamy and the various shades of gray in between are valid subject matter in clinical work.
What CICC does argue for is honesty, consent and the wellbeing of everyone involved. Regardless of which structure the couple chooses or chooses to keep, therapy is most useful when it helps both partners come to that choice from a place of genuine self-knowledge and mutual respect rather than avoidance, pressure, or crisis.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Will the therapist judge us for thinking about non-monogamous relationships?
No. CICC addresses questions about relationship structure with clinical neutrality and respect for the values each couple brings. Your therapist is not going to judge you if your interests are weird, s/he is there to help you and your partner to be honest with yourselves and make choices based on what you truly want and need.
What if my partner and I don’t agree on trying non-monogamy?
Differences between partners are one of the most frequent reasons couples come to therapy on this issue and it is entirely workable. In therapy you don’t have to start from the same place. Both parties should be willing to look at their own positions in a truthful way. Sometimes that process results in a shared decision. Sometimes it results in greater clarity about the impossibility. Both are better than not having the conversation at all
We’ve tried non-monogamy in the past and it hasn’t worked. Is therapy helpful now?
Yes. Couples who have experienced difficulty with an open or non-monogamous arrangement often seek therapy to understand what went wrong, to repair the damage to the primary relationship, and to determine from a more informed place whether and how they want to proceed. Some of the most productive therapy work in this area because there is concrete experience to examine rather than hypothetical concerns.
Where is CICC located? Do you provide telehealth in Maryland?
CICC is located in Pikesville, MD serving the greater Baltimore area including Towson, Owings Mills, Reisterstown and Baltimore County. Telehealth sessions are available statewide in Maryland for couples and individuals who prefer to meet virtually or are located farther away from the Pikesville office.
Working at CICC in Maryland
Center for Intimacy, Connection and Change is a specialty therapy practice in Pikesville, Maryland. Mark Goldberg, LCMFT, is AASECT Certified in sex therapy and EFT Certified in couples therapy, with extensive clinical experience working with couples exploring relationship structure, sexual agreements and intimacy.
If you and your partner are questioning non-monogamy and want a clinical space to explore that honestly and carefully, you can get a free 15 minute consultation with no obligation.
CICC is at 6 Reservoir Circle, Suite 206, Pikesville, MD 21208. Schedule your free consultation by calling 443-835-6991 or emailing office@centericc.com. Telehealth Across the State of Maryland.
