You have a busy job, a lot of things to do, and you keep things running smoothly at work. But in the bedroom, something has changed. After weeks of traveling, you might notice that your desire has faded. Maybe you’re starting to feel performance anxiety where you never did before. You and your partner might be very close in every way but physically, and neither of you knows how to talk about it.
People who do well at work don’t often talk about how work stress affects sexual health, but it’s one of the most common problems that brings people to the Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change in Baltimore, Maryland. Mark Goldberg, LCMFT, is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and EFT Certified Couples Therapist. He helps people and couples deal with the stress of work and their personal lives at the same time.
You’re not alone if work is getting in the way of your sex life. This is what sex therapy is for.
Table of Contents
How does stress at work affect sexual health?
Stress isn’t just something that happens in your head; it affects your whole body. When you are under a lot of stress at work all the time, your nervous system stays on edge. Adrenaline and cortisol levels stay high. Your body is more concerned with performing and staying alive than with closeness or desire.
Consultants, executives, sales leaders, doctors, and other professionals who travel a lot deal with even more stress when they don’t get enough sleep, have to deal with time zone changes, get physically tired, and spend weeks away from their partner.
The total effect on sexual function is big and well-known:
• Lowered libido and testosterone levels in both men and women
• Trouble getting excited or having an orgasm
• Erectile dysfunction linked to anxiety rather than physiological factors
• A general feeling of not being emotionally connected to a partner
• Discrepancy of desire: when one partner’s drive goes down but the other partner’s stays the same
None of these things are flaws in your character or signs that something is seriously wrong with you or your relationship. They are normal physical and mental reactions to too much demand that can’t be met.
What Is Anxiety About Sexual Performance?
Sexual performance anxiety is one of the most common reasons people go to sex therapy, but it’s also one of the most misunderstood. It’s not just “nervousness.” It’s a feedback loop in which worrying about how well you perform sexually makes it harder for your body and mind to get aroused.
For men, this usually shows up as trouble getting or keeping an erection. For women, it often looks like trouble getting aroused, getting wet, or having an orgasm. Both people may avoid intimacy to avoid anxiety, which makes the relationship more distant and puts more pressure on the next time.
People who do well at work often have performance anxiety in sexual situations because of how they have been taught to think about performance in all other parts of their lives. It can be scary and confusing when your body doesn’t cooperate when you’re used to doing your job well.
When you have performance anxiety, sex therapy isn’t about trying harder. It’s about breaking the cycle of anxiety, changing your focus, and building a new relationship with sexual experiences.
What effect does travel have on sexual health and intimacy?
Traveling a lot brings on problems that are different from normal work stress. When one partner travels often, or both do, the relationship develops a “re-entry” pattern that many couples find surprisingly hard to deal with.
The partner who is coming back often wants to reconnect emotionally and physically. The partner who stays at home has gotten used to doing things alone and may feel mixed emotions, angry, or just not ready. What happens next is often a frustrating cycle in which both partners want to be close but can’t seem to find their way back to it. Sex becomes another thing to “get right,” and the pressure makes it harder to connect with someone.
Sex therapists often talk about other travel-related issues, such as:
• A disrupted circadian rhythm and long-term lack of sleep that lowers desire
• Feeling lonely and emotionally disconnected getting worse with each trip
• Drinking alcohol while traveling can affect sexual function
• One or both partners may not trust each other or feel safe, even if there hasn’t been a real breach.
What is sex therapy for professionals like at CICC?
The Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change offers sex therapy in Pikesville, Maryland, and through telehealth all over the state. Mark Goldberg is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (the highest level of training in sex therapy) and an EFT Certified Couples Therapist (Emotionally Focused Therapy). This combination is rare in the Baltimore and Maryland markets, and it matters when the problems are both sexual and relational, which they almost always are for couples dealing with work stress.
At CICC, sex therapy doesn’t tell you what to do or how to do it. It is a careful process based on evidence that usually deals with:
Teaching people about the link between stress and desire
Knowing what chronic stress does to the body takes away shame and self-blame. This is usually the most important first step.
Sensate focus and lowering anxiety
Structured exercises that help people reconnect physically without the stress of having to perform. This is a key part of AASECT-certified sex therapy and works especially well for people who are worried about how they will perform.
EFT for couples who are having trouble with distance and separation
Emotionally Focused Therapy looks at the attachment patterns that cause sexual distance. EFT is one of the best ways to help a couple who is stuck in a cycle of pursuer-withdrawer because of stress from travel.
CBT and ACT for the mental side of performance anxiety
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (trained at the Beck Institute) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy work on the thought patterns and mental habits that keep performance anxiety going, like catastrophizing, self-monitoring, and avoiding.
Questions that are often asked
If my problem is mostly work stress and not a sexual disorder, is sex therapy right for me?
Yes. Most of the people who come to CICC for performance anxiety or low desire don’t have a sexual disorder that can be diagnosed. Instead, they have a stress or lifestyle problem that is coming out sexually. Sex therapy looks at the whole picture, not just the problem.
Do I have to bring my partner, or can I go alone?
You can choose either option. Some clients start alone and then add their partner later, while others start as a couple from the first session. Depending on your situation, either path is fine.
I travel a lot, so I can’t promise that sessions will always be in person. Is telehealth an option?
Yes. CICC offers telehealth therapy all over Maryland, so you can have sessions from anywhere, like at home, in a hotel, or between meetings. Many clients who travel a lot find that telehealth fits their schedule very well.
What does it mean to be an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist?
The AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certification is the best way to show that you are a good sex therapist. It needs more than just a regular license to get special supervision, training, and testing. Not every therapist who does “sex therapy” has this certification. Mark Goldberg is AASECT Certified, which means he is one of the few certified sex therapists in Maryland.
How long does sex therapy usually last?
It depends a lot on what the person is coming in for and how long it has been going on. Many clients who are dealing with performance anxiety see real progress after 8 to 12 sessions. Couples therapy often takes longer, especially when there are big emotional issues to deal with in addition to sexual ones.
The First Step
People who come to CICC are often professionals who have solved tough problems in every other part of their lives but can’t figure out why this one is so hard to solve. The answer is usually not willpower or effort. It’s that intimacy and sexual health need a different kind of care, and often a guide who knows both the relational and sexual sides of things at the same clinical level.
You can get a free 15-minute consultation at the Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change to help you figure out if sex therapy is right for you. You don’t have to do anything or have any previous therapy experience.
