In theory, most couples know that having kids changes their relationship. What they are less ready for is how quietly and completely the sexual side of that relationship can fade away and how hard it can be to get back to it.
It could start with the first few months of being tired and getting better after having a baby. It might get worse over the years because of school schedules, work demands, and a home that always needs something from you. Some couples drift apart slowly, while others have a specific moment that marks the change: a rejection, a need that isn’t met, or a conversation that never happened.
No matter what, a lot of couples in Maryland are very committed to their partner and their family, but they are also sexually and romantically disconnected in ways that are becoming harder to deal with on their own.
At the Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change in Baltimore, Maryland, this is one of the most common things that couples and sex therapists see. It’s also one of the easiest to treat.
Table of Contents
Why does sex become less intimate after having kids?
There are biological, psychological, and relational reasons, and they often all happen at the same time. This is one reason why it’s so hard to just will your way through.
Changes in hormones and the body
Changes in hormones after giving birth, especially the drop in estrogen that happens when breastfeeding, can lower libido and make sex uncomfortable for months or longer. These are not psychological issues; they are physiological phenomena that require direct clinical intervention. After giving birth, a woman’s body may feel strange, and expecting her to quickly return to her pre-pregnancy sexual functioning is not fair or realistic.
Too much touch and the feeling of being “touched out”
Parents, especially those who take care of young children, often spend their days with someone who needs something from them. The nervous system is full by the end of the day. The thought of more physical contact, even contact that a partner wants, can feel like one more thing that a body that has already given everything it has has to do. This is not a no. It is running out. But it comes across as rejection, and that misunderstanding causes real harm over time.
The change from partners to co-parents
One of the most common things that happens in couples therapy with parents is that the relationship between the partners gets worse as the relationship between the parents gets better. Conversations turn into logistics. The family takes up all of their time together. The erotic and playful aspects of the relationship, necessitating a distinct separateness and mutual attention as individuals, are overshadowed by the collaborative endeavor of child-rearing.
This isn’t a failure of love. It is a problem with the structure, and structural solutions will work.
Distance that has built up and anger that hasn’t been spoken
The dynamic often changes for couples whose kids are older. The physical exhaustion of early parenthood is over, but the emotional and sexual distance that grew during that time has become even stronger. Unspoken complaints about unfair work, going through the same initiation and rejection over and over again, and years of not being able to find the right time to talk about any of it make a pattern that is harder to break without help from outside.
What Keeps Couples Together
A lot of couples in this situation care about the problem. They want to get back together.
Usually, a combination of the following things keeps them stuck:
• Neither partner knows how to bring it up without it sounding like a complaint or a criticism.
• One partner has stopped making the first move to avoid being rejected again and again, while the other has stopped making the first move because they feel like they have to respond rather than want to.
• The couple has developed a caretaking dynamic that seems unchangeable into an erotic one.
• One or both partners have taken the loss to mean something about how attractive, desirable, or viable the relationship is.
• There is real love and commitment, but the tools to close the gap aren’t there. How Couples
Therapy and Sex Therapy Can Help
Mark Goldberg works with this presentation from two clinical angles at the Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change: the relational and the sexual. This is why the dual AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and EFT Certified Couples Therapist credential is so important for this kind of work.
Most therapists work on either the sexual or the relationship problem. Not many people are trained to do both at the same time with the same level of depth. For parents who have lost intimacy after having kids, the two are almost always linked.
EFT for the base of relationships
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) works on the attachment patterns that cause sexual distance. After having kids, many couples develop a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic, where one partner pushes for connection and the other pulls away. This is a core goal of EFT. When that cycle is broken and both partners feel safe and connected, it becomes possible for them to reconnect sexually in a way that is not possible when the emotional distance is not addressed.
Sex therapy for the sexual part
AASECT-certified sex therapy directly addresses specific sexual issues, such as desire discrepancy, physical discomfort, performance anxiety that has arisen during the hiatus, avoidance patterns, and the process of reconstructing a sexual relationship following an extended interruption. This work includes sensate focus exercises, learning about desire and arousal, and structured ways to get back to being physically close to each other.
CBT and ACT for the thoughts that keep the problem going
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (trained at the Beck Institute) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy deal with the thoughts that come up when sexual distance lasts too long: “we’ve lost it,” “this is just what happens after kids,” and “I’m not attracted to them anymore.” These thoughts are often cognitive distortions instead of fixed truths, and they respond well to direct clinical attention.
This Isn’t About Finding Time
People often tell parents who are having trouble being intimate to “schedule date nights” or “find more time for each other.” This advice always misses the mark for couples who are really stuck, even though spending time together on purpose is important.
A calendar problem is not usually the issue. It’s a problem with connection, communication, and often desire that has physical and mental parts that scheduling alone can’t fix. Couples who try to make things work with willpower and regular date nights often find that the stress of a planned “intimate evening” makes things worse instead of better.
Understanding the specific dynamic that has formed, dealing with it at the right level, and rebuilding with the help of someone who knows both the relational and sexual sides of the problem is what really works.
Questions that are often asked
Is it normal to not want to have sex after having a baby?
Very common, and often perfectly normal in the first few weeks after giving birth. Hormonal fluctuations, physical recuperation, sleep deprivation, and the psychological adaptation to parenthood all diminish desire. Sex therapy can help you figure out what’s causing your low desire and deal with it directly if it lasts longer than the first few months or causes a lot of stress or problems in your relationship.
What if only one of us wants to do this?
Individual or couples therapy can be a good place to start, even if one partner isn’t ready to talk. Sometimes, doing work on your own is enough to make your partner want to join in. Individual therapy can also help someone figure out what they need and how to say it. CICC helps both people and couples with these problems.
Our kids are now teens. Is it too late to talk about this?
No. Couples who have been sexually distant for years, even decades, can rebuild their close relationship in therapy. The patterns have become more ingrained the longer the distance has lasted, but ingrained does not mean fixed. Both EFT and sex therapy are good ways to deal with long-term disconnection.
Where is CICC, and do you offer telehealth services in Maryland?
CICC is in Pikesville, Maryland, and serves the greater Baltimore area, which includes Owings Mills, Towson, Reisterstown, and Baltimore County. Clients in Maryland who would rather meet online or live farther away from the Pikesville office can use telehealth sessions.
What sets a couples therapist apart from a sex therapist?
A couples therapist helps partners work on their relationship by talking about things like communication, conflict, and emotional connection. A sex therapist works with people who have sexual problems, such as desire, arousal, function, and how they make sense of their sexual experiences. Mark Goldberg is both an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and an EFT Certified Couples Therapist. If parents are dealing with intimacy loss after their children, having both of them see the same therapist means they don’t have to split their work between two different therapists.
Partnering with CICC in Maryland
The Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change is a specialized practice in Pikesville, Maryland that focuses on couples therapy, marriage counseling, and sex therapy. Mark Goldberg, LCMFT, is both AASECT Certified in sex therapy and EFT Certified in couples therapy. This is a rare combination in the Baltimore and Maryland markets, and it is especially good for the kind of complex intimacy work that parents often need.
If you’re a parent in Maryland and something you’ve read here rings a bell, a free 15-minute consultation is a low-risk way to see if this kind of work could help you and your relationship.
The address for CICC is 6 Reservoir Circle, Suite 206, Pikesville, MD 21208. To set up your free consultation, call 443-835-6991 or email office@centericc.com. Telehealth is available all over Maryland.
