You discovered something. A message, a notification, or a thread that went back further than you wanted to see. Or maybe you didn’t find anything at all and your partner told you. Now you’re trying to figure out how to get back to your own life.
Cheating has always been one of the most upsetting things that can happen to a person in a relationship. But social media has changed things in ways that make the discovery, the aftermath, and the path to healing more difficult than they were for people in the past. For people in New York, the fast pace and crowdedness of city life make things even harder.
This article is for someone whose life has just changed and who is trying to figure out what happened, how they feel, and if there is a way to get through it.
Table of Contents
How social media has changed cheating
The way betrayal works isn’t new. The infrastructure that makes it possible, the trail it leaves behind, and the way it keeps getting in the way after it is found are all new.
Access is easy
Social media, dating apps, and direct messaging make it almost too easy to go from a passing thought to an ongoing secret conversation. An emotional affair that might have ended after a chance meeting can now last forever through a private message thread. The line between impulse and action has never been thinner.
Discovery is often sudden and too much to handle.
Digital infidelity usually leaves a clear trail of evidence. When the betrayed partner finds that record, they often have access to far more information than they can handle at once. This includes timestamps, photos, and the exact words that were said over months or years. Finding out this kind of thing is not only emotionally devastating, but it is also so full of information that it makes the trauma worse.
The other person is still there.
In the past, being far away and having a lot of time could make it easier to stay away from the person you were having an affair with. That doesn’t happen anymore thanks to social media. You might only need to do one search to find the other person. Their profile, their posts, and the fact that their life is still going on in public. For a lot of partners who have been betrayed, not being able to put some space between them is one of the hardest things to get over.
The betrayal can feel like it’s still going on.
Looking. Watching. Many partners who have been cheated on feel like they have to keep an eye on their partner all the time, even though they know it’s wrong. Every notification on a partner’s phone could be a new piece of information. The first betrayal only happened once, but the hypervigilance it causes can make it feel like it’s happening all the time.
What you’re feeling is a normal reaction to an unusual situation.
After finding out about infidelity, people can feel a lot of different things, and these feelings are often contradictory and very strong. Some things are common, and it’s important to name them because a lot of people in this situation think that their own reactions mean something is wrong with them.
• Shock and confusion, even if there were signs ahead of time
• Sadness that comes and goes with anger, sometimes in the same hour
• Thoughts and images that come to mind without being asked, especially at night
• A need to know every detail that is so strong that it makes you afraid to know more
• Deep doubt about what was real and what wasn’t in the relationship
• Love for the person who hurt you and a desire to never see them again at the same time
There is nothing wrong with any of this. It is the normal reaction to a deep break in attachment. One of the most confusing things that can happen in adult relationships is making your nervous system react.
The Question Everyone Asks: Should I Stay or Go?
This question comes up almost right away, and it’s almost always the wrong one to answer in the first few weeks after discovery.
Not because the question isn’t important. It matters a lot. But the acute phase of betrayal is not a good time to make long-term decisions. This time is marked by strong emotions, not enough information, and a nervous system that isn’t working properly. These are not good conditions for making long-term decisions.
Stabilization is what most people need first. They need enough support, information, and time to process their feelings so they can make a decision that isn’t based on pure crisis.
That choice is not made for you by therapy. It sets up the right conditions for you to be able to make it clear, with full access to what you really want and what you really think is possible.
The Importance of Therapy in Getting Over Infidelity
Mark Goldberg works with people and couples who are recovering from infidelity at the Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change. He uses EFT, CBT, ACT, and mindfulness-based methods. His dual certification as an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and EFT Certified Couples Therapist is very important here because cheating almost always has both a sexual and a relational side that needs to be dealt with.
For the partner who was cheated on alone
Individual therapy offers an opportunity to process the trauma of discovery without the added challenge of navigating a partner’s responses concurrently. This means dealing with the intrusive thoughts and hypervigilance that often come after cheating, rebuilding a sense of self that doesn’t depend on how the relationship ends, and making decisions from a calm place instead of a reactive one.
For couples who want to start over
Couples therapy for getting over cheating is different from regular couples therapy. It needs a certain structure: the partner who cheated needs to take full responsibility without getting defensive, the partner who was cheated on needs to be able to fully express how the betrayal affected them, and both partners need to work to understand the state of their relationship before the affair without using that state to justify the cheating.
This work is especially good for EFT because it deals with the attachment break that caused the betrayal. Rebuilding trust after cheating isn’t mostly a mental task. It is an emotional and relational issue that necessitates intervention at the site of the actual harm.
Talking about the sexual part
Infidelity almost always messes up the sexual relationship, both in terms of how it works and how it feels. Couples who are rebuilding their relationship can benefit from professional help when it comes to deciding how and when to start being physically close again. The effects on a person’s self-image, desirability, and sexual confidence can be very strong. AASECT-certified sex therapy directly addresses these dimensions within a framework that regards them as legitimate clinical issues rather than mere afterthoughts.
Taking Care of Social Media While You’re Healing
Managing the social media aspect of infidelity recovery is not only an emotional need, but also a practical need for New Yorkers, where social circles are often dense and overlapping.
Some things that are usually important:
• It’s not petty to block or mute the other person. It is a reasonable limit that helps your nervous system get back to normal.
• Watching your partner’s phone and accounts is understandable, but it usually keeps you on edge instead of building real trust. In therapy, it’s important to talk about this directly.
• Couples can take a meaningful first step toward rebuilding their relationship by agreeing to be open about their devices and accounts. However, these agreements work best when they are structured and have a set end date, rather than being open-ended and one-sided.
• What you say or do publicly right after you find out about something can have long-term effects. It’s completely normal to want to get validation or tell people about the situation online. It is also a good idea to slow down.
Questions that come up a lot
Is it possible for a relationship to get back on track after cheating?
Yes, and studies back this up. A lot of couples who go through infidelity in structured therapy say that their relationship gets stronger and more honest after the affair. Not everyone does this, and both partners need to be fully committed to making it work. But recovery is a real possibility, not a foolish wish, when both people are willing to put in the effort.
What if my partner doesn’t want to go to therapy?
Individual therapy is still very helpful. It helps you deal with the trauma, figure out what you need, and make decisions from a more stable place, no matter what your partner does. Sometimes a partner who says no at first changes their mind after seeing how therapy helps. In either case, you don’t have to wait to get better.
How long does it take to get over cheating?
It depends a lot on the type of affair, how long it lasted, whether both partners were honest about it, and how both partners deal with the recovery process. Studies on EFT-based infidelity recovery indicate that significant progress is frequently observable within 20 to 26 sessions for couples who are both dedicated to the process. Individual recovery timelines are less predictable.
Do you have a license to give therapy in New York?
Yes. Mark Goldberg is a licensed LMFT in New York. He provides telehealth therapy to people all over New York State, including Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx, Staten Island, Westchester County, and Long Island. All sessions for clients in New York are done over the phone.
What makes an emotional affair different from a physical one?
Both are big breaks of the rules and expectations of a committed relationship. Emotional affairs, which social media has made much more common and easier to keep going, often involve a lot of intimacy, secrecy, and investment that can hurt a partner just as much as a physical affair. The clinical approach to recovery focuses on the particulars of the betrayal and its implications for both partners, rather than employing a hierarchy of harm.
CICC in New York: What It’s Like to Work With Them
The Center for Intimacy, Connection, and Change offers online therapy for people and couples in New York State who have been unfaithful. Mark Goldberg is a licensed sex therapist and couples therapist in New York. He is also an AASECT Certified sex therapist and an EFT Certified couples therapist.
You can get a free 15-minute consultation with no strings attached if you are in the early weeks after finding out and trying to figure out what to do next, or if you are further along and still having trouble finding solid ground. You don’t have to have made a decision yet to get in touch.
To set up an appointment, call 443-835-6991 or email office@centericc.com. All sessions for clients in New York are done over the phone.
