Written by the CICC Clinical Team
For people who identify as asexual, or who are wondering whether they might be, one of the most common questions is deceptively simple: should I accept this about myself, or try to change it?
The answer — grounded in both current clinical understanding and the lived experience of asexual people — is that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation that does not need to be fixed. But the question itself is understandable. Society sends strong messages about what “normal” sexuality looks like, and people who do not experience sexual attraction often spend years wondering whether something is wrong with them before they find language that fits their experience.
This article addresses that question directly, along with related ones: what causes asexuality, whether it is classified as a disorder, how to navigate relationships as an asexual person, and when therapy might genuinely be helpful — not to change orientation, but to support the very real complexities that can come with it.
Table of Contents
What Causes a Person to Be Asexual?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by little or no sexual attraction to others. Like other sexual orientations, it is not the result of trauma, illness, lack of opportunity, or personal choice. Research suggests that sexual orientation — including asexuality — is shaped by a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and developmental factors, and there is no single definitive cause.
Some people recognize their asexuality from a young age. Others do not have language for their experience until later in life. For some, the absence of sexual attraction is complete and consistent. For others, it is partial or conditional — as with gray-asexuality, where sexual attraction is experienced rarely or only under specific circumstances, or demisexuality, where sexual attraction develops only after a deep emotional bond has formed.
Asexuality is not caused by past experiences, hormonal issues, or lack of the right relationship. It is a recognized sexual orientation, not a condition to be diagnosed or treated.
It is important to distinguish asexuality from conditions that can reduce sexual desire, such as hormonal imbalances, depression, medication side effects, or trauma. These are different experiences with different origins and different appropriate responses. If there has been a change in sexual attraction over time — particularly one tied to a life event, health change, or emotional shift — that points toward low libido rather than asexuality.
For a detailed comparison, see: Asexuality vs Low Libido: Understanding the Difference
Is Asexuality Classified as a Disorder?
No. Asexuality is not classified as a disorder. It is a recognized sexual orientation and a natural variation in human sexuality. The DSM-5 — the diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals — explicitly distinguishes between asexuality and sexual dysfunction, making clear that asexuality is not a medical or psychological condition.
Some people confuse asexuality with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), which is a clinical condition involving distressing loss of sexual desire. The key distinction is that HSDD involves desire that was once present and has diminished, causing personal distress. Asexuality involves the consistent absence of sexual attraction and is not inherently distressing — distress, when present, typically comes from social pressure or relationship mismatch, not from the orientation itself.
Attempting to treat asexuality as a disorder causes harm. It reinforces the false belief that asexual people are broken or in need of fixing. They are not.
Mental health professionals who are well-informed about asexuality will not attempt to change an asexual person’s orientation. If you have encountered a therapist who has suggested that asexuality is something to work through or overcome, that is not an appropriate clinical stance.
The Path of Self-Acceptance: Embracing Asexuality
For many people who identify as asexual, self-acceptance is both a process and a relief. It involves recognizing that asexuality is a valid identity — not a phase, not a problem, not evidence of something missing — and that sexual attraction is not a prerequisite for a meaningful, connected, or fulfilling life.
Redefining Relationships and Intimacy
One of the most important aspects of accepting asexuality is releasing the cultural script that equates meaningful relationships with sexual ones. Asexual people can and do have deeply fulfilling romantic relationships, emotional partnerships, and close friendships. For those who experience romantic attraction but not sexual desire — sometimes called romantic asexuals — relationships built on emotional closeness, shared values, and mutual respect can be just as rich and sustaining as sexually active relationships.
For aromantic asexual people — those who experience neither romantic nor sexual attraction — strong platonic bonds and chosen community can provide the connection and belonging that relationships of all kinds are ultimately about.
The Psychological Benefits of Acceptance
People who struggle with their asexuality often describe years of feeling inadequate, broken, or out of step with the world. When they find language for their experience and recognize it as a valid orientation rather than a deficiency, the relief can be significant. Self-acceptance supports better mental health, improved self-esteem, and a clearer sense of identity — and it frees up energy that was being spent on self-doubt.
Should Asexuality Be “Worked On”?
The short answer is no — not if the goal is to change the orientation itself. Just as a heterosexual person cannot will themselves into attraction to the same sex, an asexual person cannot will themselves into sexual attraction. Attempts to change sexual orientation cause emotional harm and do not work.
That said, some people who identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum — particularly those who identify as gray-asexual or demisexual — may find value in exploring their experience more deeply, not to change it, but to understand it better. This kind of exploration is about self-knowledge, not correction.
When Therapy Is and Is Not Appropriate
Therapy is not appropriate as a means of changing asexual orientation. It is appropriate when:
- An asexual person is navigating distress related to social pressure, family expectations, or religious context
- An asexual person is in a relationship with a non-asexual partner and both people want support navigating the mismatch
- Someone is genuinely uncertain whether they are asexual or experiencing low libido driven by a treatable cause
- An asexual person wants support with relationship dynamics, communication, or personal identity questions
In all of these cases, the role of therapy is to support the person in living well and navigating complexity — not to alter their orientation. Working with a therapist who is affirming of asexuality and knowledgeable about sexual diversity is essential. from therapy or counseling, where they can work on balancing their emotional and physical needs. The goal is to focus on the unique bond between partners, rather than conforming to societal norms around sexual expectations.
Navigating Relationships as an Asexual Person
One of the most common sources of difficulty for asexual people is navigating relationships with partners who experience sexual attraction and desire. When one partner is asexual and one is not, the mismatch in sexual desire can be a genuine source of tension, confusion, and hurt on both sides.
The Importance of Open Communication
Honest communication about what each partner experiences, needs, and is willing to offer is the foundation of any relationship navigating this kind of difference. Some asexual people are comfortable engaging in sexual activity even without experiencing sexual attraction, as an act of care for their partner. Others are not. Neither position is wrong — but both require honesty to navigate well.
What does not work is silence, assumption, or the gradual accumulation of unspoken resentment on either side. Couples who navigate desire differences successfully are almost always those who talk about them directly, even when the conversations are uncomfortable.
When Couples Therapy Can Help
Couples where one partner is asexual and one is not often benefit from working with a therapist who understands both asexuality and the relational dynamics of desire mismatch. The goal is not to change either partner, but to help both people understand each other’s experience, communicate more clearly, and find a way of being together that honors both people’s needs and limits.
At CICC, our therapists work with couples navigating sexual differences of all kinds, including relationships where asexuality is part of the picture. Our practice is affirming, non-judgmental, and experienced with the full range of sexual orientations and relationship structures.
Learn more about couples therapy at CICC → Couples Therapy in Baltimore & Maryland
Honoring the Diversity of Human Sexuality
Asexuality is a valid, recognized sexual orientation. It does not need to be treated, changed, or explained away. For people who identify as asexual, the most useful thing — clinically and personally — is accurate information, affirming support, and the freedom to define what connection, intimacy, and a good life look like on their own terms.
If you are navigating questions about your sexual identity, a relationship affected by desire mismatch, or uncertainty about whether what you are experiencing is asexuality or something else, we are here to help — not to tell you who you should be, but to support you in understanding yourself more clearly.We offer a free 15-minute consultation. No commitment required. → Schedule now
